So you truly thought that loprofen,
Would solve all your problems, end all your woes!
Sounds great in theory doesn't it?
Here's how reality goes:

Starting at Woolies, I have four under five
Miss has the Metabolic disorder,
Her twin brother, a younger and a baby who's tired,
This could seriously end up in disaster.

Straight to the aisle where the health nuts frequent,
I'll spend ages checking all labels,
Ignoring the stares and my embarrassment,
(Some shoppers think I'm unstable)

On to the pasta, only Orgran is safe,
No "low protein" but what's there will do,
At five bucks a packet, I'll have to get several,
And hope like hell that my pay has come through.

Finding snacks for pre-school can test your patience,
Rice crackers are truly a saviour,
Oh No! I've searched absolutely everywhere,
But they've run out of BBQ flavour.

Now we get vege chips, they are a must
Only two times the price of the usual kind,
Despite their cost, unlike most of her diet,
They taste pretty good so I don't really mind.

Fruit is a joy, it's got almost no protein,
But don't forget during Winter,
It's six bucks a kilo for basic stuff,
Fifteen, if I want to treat her.

Cereals are next, there's two types she can have,
Little dietry value and taste awful,
But if I load them with sugar and honey she'll eat them,
And we'll make our dentist a fortune.

We've been here forever and the kids are all cranky,
"No we can't go home!" I exclaim,
We have to get low-protein Coles brands,
"Woolies don't have her milk", I explain.

Off to Coles with my four ratty kids,
I know there's a health shop nearby,
Maybe they've got some food for her there!
Well I doubt it, but I'm willing to try.

At Coles it's rice milk for my little Miss,
One litre is two ninety-five,
I wish I could afford the more expensive one,
It's vanilla, and calcium fortified.

Check out Coles pasta's - they've got nothing new,
The kids are all whinging and hungry,
I'll have to bribe them - what can you do?
To the health store, I really must hurry.

On the way a McDonald's with 30c cones,
But not for my Miss Metabolic!
We need to find Wendy's with sorbet,
It's low-protein and won't make her sick.

Three dollars for a bloody ICE CREAM!!!
My boys' only cost me one tenth!!!
No point in arguing with the girl serving,
Just smile and pay with teeth clenched.

Now my boys are upset theirs is white and not orange,
How do you explain to three toddlers that?

your sister has an inborn error of protein metabolism which entitles her to expensive yet inferior tasting products, which to the untrained eye of a 3 year old such as yourself might look like a better deal, but in the larger scheme of things, the one or two rewarding foods she can indulge in pales into insignificance next to the wider variety of delights you partake in daily and have, alas, taken for granted OR

"BOYS be nice, she can't eat cheese or meat!"

I'm nearly done, the health store is next,
Arrowroot noodles, 0.1 grams what a find!
Oh rapture, oh heaven, oh joy - is shortlived.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN A DISCONTINUED LINE??

Fine, just give me what's left, and by the way,
I need calcium and iron supplements,
Fortunately I got paid today,
These things aren't cheap nor are vitamins.

On the way home with my four cranky children,
She checks her food for the week,
"Mummy, you forgot my BBQ rice crackers",
"I love them so much" she weeps.

Their father works hard, she's not cheap to feed,
But damn it, I'll just have to phone,
I know he's had a very long day,
But he can find some on his way home.

Rachael Sharman